Sawyer dancing

As most (if not all) of you know, we welcomed Sawyer Stephen Fagan into the world on Friday, May 15, 2009 at 3:29 pm. He weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces, was 19.25 inches and had a head full of blond hair. Since his arrival we have learned how to function on little sleep, change diapers with more poop than I care to think about, change those diapers in virtual darkness at 3 am so that we don't fully wake Sawyer, change those diapers in public bathrooms, the back of the car, the floor of people's houses, hold Sawyer's butt up to our nose and conduct the parent sniff test and well, you get the idea.

But more importantly we have learned to love someone like we have never loved before. We have learned that we no longer come first and that is 100% okay. And we have learned that all the sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, spit up and fussiness is nothing compared to when our little boy smiles, laughs and cuddles up on our chests to sleep.

There's so much more to say about our little Soybean (as he has been so nicknamed), and I will try and be better about updating the blog for those who are interested. But for now, we want to share some of that joy and those smiles with all of you. Here's the little Soybean having some fun at nine weeks!

Sorry there's no sound, but it's just as cute in silence.

Any day now...

I am a little over 37 weeks now. The baby is fully cooked. His room is ready. His parents are ready. Where is he???

Bed Rest (aka House Arrest)

Whoever coined the phrase "too good to be true" was spot on if they were talking about my pregnancy. As I breezed through my first two trimesters with no morning sickness, little weight gain and very few of the other "symptoms" that are associated with pregnancy, I would think to myself "what are all of those other mothers bitching about? This is a piece of cake."

Should have kept those thoughts out of my head. Never let yourself get too cocky.

This last trimester has been a bit trying. Especially the past two weeks. I have had some blood pressure issues throughout my pregnancy, but they have been pretty under control. However, last week my blood pressure skyrocketed and I found myself getting very familiar with the hospital where I will be giving birth. I am now on bed rest and can work from home laying down, go to the bathroom and that is about it. I feel like I am on house arrest. All I need is the ankle bracelet - which probably wouldn't fit around my ankle (if you can even call it that at this point). It is just a bit challenging for me to not have much people interaction during the day and not be allowed to even drive anywhere if I want to pick up a coffee or lunch. Yesterday I was able to get out for the doctor/hospital and felt like blasting Skynyrd's "Free Bird"..."Cause I'm as free as a bird now. And this bird you can not chay...ay...ay...ay..ange." I barely made it through the guitar solo when I was back at home on lock down.

Luckily, all of my doctor/hospital visits have given me more insight into Sawyer's activity. He is VERY active and healthy (I can feel the activity, but now have the non-stress test results to prove it). He moves so much that they have a difficult time tracking him on the monitor because he will just slide right off. So, on the bright side, the weight that has been packed on this trimester will hopefully fall off with the combination of nursing (which I plan to try) and trying to keep up with the crazy active baby.

I have also been fortunate that my job is willing to work with me while I am on bed rest. They have let me work from home, hooked me up with a laptop (mine is a POS that crashes every four seconds) and been very understanding of my many appointments.

It won't be long now until Sawyer arrives. Less than a month! Hopefully the next time I go to the hospital I will get to leave with a parting gift. I just can't believe how close to B-day we are. It seems like we just found out that I was pregnant the other day. Like any parent, we are so excited to meet Sawyer, see what he looks like, if those chubby cheeks that we saw in the 3D ultrasound are any chubbier, what his personality is like and speaking for myself, what kind of mom I will be. Both Jon and I have had wonderful examples of parents and grandparents in our lives and I am confident that we will be pretty okay at the job. All we can do is try our best.

36 weeks/9 months. On bed arrest.

Freaking Huge

Below is a picture of me at 34 weeks/8.5 months (taken yesterday). I guess because I look at it every day I didn't quite realize how giant my stomach was. I am wondering how on earth it can possibly stretch anymore. I know it can, but come on...

I definitely think that we will be having a big baby. For one, at 30 weeks he weighed above average. At 32 weeks I was measuring around 34. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we will see what I can find out about this giant in my belly. I also ask that when the times comes for this baby to arrive that you pray for me (and by me I mean my lady parts).

Seriously?

I am having a baby in 50 days (give or take). Seriously? Two questions:
1) Where did time go?
2) Can I really do this?

The other night I was having an emotional sob-fest, freaking out (probably because I saw a Pampers commercial that set me off) about what a big deal this is. Through my tears and snot I said (rather hysterically) to Jon "I can't do this!" His response: "It's too late now." After my voice raised about 10 octaves (screeching that that was not the answer I needed to hear, that I was well aware of the timing of the whole thing and that last I checked, he wasn't the one with giant, swollen feet, a baby butt stuck in his ribs and a huge head that he had to push out of a very private place), he tried his best to calm me down and said that nobody is ever really ready and that we will be great parents.

Deep down I know that we can do it. We are two smart people who put a lot of thought into what goes into having a baby before we even tried to get pregnant. There are a lot of people dumber than us (cough: Octomom) who have babies all the time. I think that what is getting to me is how quickly time has gone by. I truly feel like I just got pregnant a few months ago - not 8. Technically you are pregnant for the better part of a year and many people I know have said that once you get to the end you are just ready to have that baby out. I, on the other hand, am fairly okay with him staying in for a little while longer. Sure, the heart burn sucks, the constant need to go to the bathroom is getting a little old and my breakup with my beloved sleep is still as painful as ever. But I guess I just thought that I would have more time to accomplish some things before he was born. Not like skydiving or sailing the world, but reading some more books, getting more of the house ready, taking up jujitsu.

But those things will come. As for now, I just want to enjoy my last few weeks with Jon as a family of two, relax, sleep as much as my bladder will allow and get as ready as I can for the arrival of our rapidly growing Blueberry. Time may be flying by, but by golly, I plan to take advantage of all that time has to offer - now and when the baby arrives.

In 60 Days I will have a kid

60 days left until the little Soyberry joins us. I feel like I am walking around in a state of disbelief. I can't believe that in two months we will have a son. I am dying to see him, hold him and find out what kind of personality he has. If you know me, you know this - I am not a surprise person. For years I would read the end of a book before the beginning (I have finally stopped doing this, but it has been a challenge). When I write, I usually write my conclusion before my introduction. And if I ask you what happens in a movie I haven't seen, I am truly okay with knowing. So as you can imagine, nine (let's face it, 10) months of not knowing the person that is growing inside of me has been driving me crazy.

Even though two months may seem like a long time, I really feel like the pregnancy has flown by. Before we know it our little Berry will be here. For the most part is has been a pretty nice, easy pregnancy. I didn't have any morning sickness, I haven't put on too much weight and up until recently have been fairly comfortable. These days the heatburn is kicking just as much as the baby and my back is starting to hurt a bit.

Jon and I had an ultrasound the other day and were able to see in 3D what Blueberry looks like (which, in my humble opinion, is perfect and adorable). He was looking good though. He currently weighs almost 4 pounds, which is only slightly above average for his “age” (something like 56%). His heart, blood flow, etc. look good. He has a big head - thanks to his dad (yay for delivery) and is most definitely still a "he". Blueberry was also VERY active. I think the ultrasound technician's exact words were "good luck to you guys" because he would not stop bouncing all over the place. He made it really for the technician to get strong 3D images. He was moving his legs up and down, opening and closing his hands, yawning, etc. Toward the end he had enough, rolled over so he was facing my back and went to sleep. It was funny because it was like he was thinking “I’m done with you people. Leave me alone.”

I have attached some of the images, but am trying to figure out a better way to upload them so that they are not so fuzzy. For now I have attached one (that is actually a 2D image) where you can see Blueberry laying on his side, his nose, nostrils and open mouth. The next two are the 3D images of his face. Like I said, these scans are a bit fuzzy, but if you look closely you should be able to make out his cute face - closed eyes, chubby cheeks, little mouth. His nose is also smushed, which you can make out in the pictures (I hope). I have also added some updated room photos. We still have some things to do to get ready for his arrival, but in reality, how ready can you ever really be?

Baby on the side - nose and open mouth

Blueberry in all his fuzzy glory - facing the "camera" with closed eyes, smushed nose, chubby cheeks and closed mouthGraffiti wall with crib

Me - 31 weeks (almost 8 months) in front of the crib

Rocker and side table - skateboards to be hung and photos are b&w prints of guys skateboarding
Closet - not all clothing pictured. He will definitely have many wardrobe options

Blueberry's Room

Months ago I mentioned my addiction to baby books. I wanted to let you all know that I have recovered from this (mainly because as I read ahead to labor, delivery and post-partum goodness I decided it was time to put the book down and start praying that they discover an easy, non-messy, painless way to have a baby between now and May). But I replaced one addiction with another.

This new addiction (which Jon has as well) is buying baby things. Not a day goes by where I don't think about buying something for the baby - may it be clothing, toys, books, etc. And if I'm not thinking about it, it's because I have actually bought stuff. For example, the other day Jon and I were on our way to baby class and we had some time to kill. So I wanted to stop at Borders and see if they had a book that a few people had recommended to me. Now, I love to read. I always have. And usually I can spend tons of time in a book store browsing. However, for some reason as we walked in, we went straight to the kids section and started pulling books from the shelf to buy for Blueberry. It was like some invisible force was pulling us and saying "you didn't buy him anything yet today. Buy books you neglectful person." Did I get the book I had originally come in for? No. Did we buy books for the baby? Yes. While I am a huge supporter of reading, and definitely want to start reading to the baby ASAP, to just skip over a book that I want is so unlike me.

We have started setting up Blueberry's room, which of course feeds our addiction perfectly. I mean, he can't just live in a bland room. Kids need things around them to stimulate their minds. Below are some pictures of the baby's new pad. We still have some items to purchase/add, but here is a first look at Blueberry's place.

We really wanted the baby's room to be something different and something that he could grow into. We hired a graffiti artist, Dylan York, to come and spray his name on the wall. It's hard to tell from the image below, but the name takes up a majority of the wall and it really looks amazing. Kind of fits in with our new neck of the woods.

Getting ready to paint the remaining walls. You can also see Blueberry's awesome crib (a gift from Jon's parents).

Me in my painting mask. I borrowed it from Michael Jackson. Trying not to breathe in the fumes. Luckily it was gorgeous outside so we were able to open all of the windows.
Jon taping.

Just like an English Muffin, we had to make sure to get all of the nooks and crannies. Almost done though!

Viola! We are done painting.

Exhausted after a long day. Fozzie was too.

A serious breakup

It has been said that in life, all good things must come to an end. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (though I do love Angelina), Britney Spears' relationship with underwear and the television show "Dirty, Sexy, Money," are just a few that come to mind.

But a much bigger ending has arrived. A breakup of such significant proportions that it makes the Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce look tame.

It is the end of my relationship with sleep.

Yes, I have officially kissed sleep goodbye. It was nice knowing it. I tried my best to hold on but for the past month or so, it has been slipping away. It was time to accept what was happening and part ways. You know what they say, "if you love something, let it go."

Between my rapidly expanding belly, increasing lower back pain, the fact that I hate sleeping on my side, constant heartburn, a bladder that has shrunk to the size of a walnut (at least it feels that way) and a baby that likes to "party all the time, party all the time" I have had to bid my fair sleep adieu. And I know I won't get it back for...well, I will leave that one TBD.

It's okay. I'm okay. Please, don't worry about me. I am coping as best as I can. Even though I sometimes sit at home on my bed (wide-awake), crying and listening to Boyz II Men's "End of the Road," I know that sleep and I will one day reunite. It won't be tonight, or tomorrow night, or even one night months from now. But someday, down the road, our paths will cross again.

For now though, as my body prepares to bring me something that I will love much more than sleep, I wipe away a tear, gaze fondly at my unused pillows, rewind my Boyz II Men track and accept my break-up with sleep. For "we've come to the end of the road." But I must let go...

For now.

27 Weeks (nearly 7 months)

The Last 100 Days

Well, I am almost there. Only 100 more days until we welcome our little Blueberry/Soybean into the world (though we all know he will arrive when he feels like it). While I am so excited about becoming a parent, I am also scared shitless.

For the rest of our lives, Jon and I will be responsible for another person. Because even when he is grown and not living in our house, we will worry and care and wonder. We will be responsible for making decisions that will shape the person he will become. We will be responsible for giving him enough love, attention, discipline and leniency so that he will be an outstanding citizen, great boyfriend, husband, father and grandfather. We will be responsible for not pushing our personal dreams on him and allowing him to be the person he wants to be. We will be responsible for providing him the best education possible, rewarding his successes and accepting his limitations. We will be responsible for hugs and kisses, smiles and tears. We will always be there for him, through good times and bad.

I know that we are not the first people to have a child and we certainly won't be the last. As I go through this pregnancy I realize that each person's pregnancy is different, each baby is different and each parent and child will be different. I am excited and terrified about the adventure that we will embark upon in 100 days. It will be the ride of our lives. A ride that we can't wait to get on and one that will never end.

Bill Cosby said "In spite of the six thousand manuals on raising children in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage."

The love is already there and I'm sure it will intensify the second that we look at his tiny face, hold his little hand and watch as he grows from baby to child and child to adult. The luck will come and the courage...well, that's building.

Baby's First International Trip

On Sunday evening (2/8) Jon and I returned from the Dominican Republic after a week of sun, sand, Mamajuana (a Dominican drink that Jon enjoyed lots of) and most importantly, my brother Andrew's wedding. It was also the baby's first trip overseas and from the activity going on inside my belly, he certainly seemed to enjoy himself. During the wedding and at other various points during our vacation, there was loud music playing and there was a dance party going on inside of me. Blueberry was having his own little rave in there. I can just picture him now with miniature glow sticks or challenging somebody to a dance battle. Traveling to an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean while pregnant (especially 6 months pregnant) definitely had its ups and downs:

Positives:

• I had a valid reason why I did not look good in my bathing suit
• I didn't feel guilty eating dessert at dinner
• I was able to exceed the 8 glasses of water a day quota as water is pretty much all I drank
• I got to lie around on a lounge chair and have people bring me food and drinks
• I got to spend some quality time with my family and friends and actually remember the conversations that we had
• I learned the Spanish word for pregnant (Embarazada)
• I learned the baby really reacts to loud music and likes to party at night
• I got to see my brother get married to the love of his life and welcome a new sister (officially) to the family

Negatives:

• It is not fun to watch everyone around you drink non-stop for a week while you sip on a bottle of water (I really used to enjoy my cocktails)
• If you are pregnant and go to the Ocean Blue Resort understand that they will not let you go snorkeling, fishing or have a massage. Be prepared to sit around and do nothing
• I saw what happens to pregnant feet once they meet humidity and salty foods (it wasn't pretty)

Quickly going back to the drinking and not being able to do much of anything thing - there were a number of people who said "yes, they can all drink and go to the disco and go fishing, but in the end YOU get to have a baby." Let me just tell you, while I am more excited for this little boy than anything that I have been in my life, when everyone else is whooping it up and you are laying on a lounge chair with your balloon-like feet propped up telling me that I get to push a person out of a very small, private place does not sound like a consolation prize. I am pretty sure that as the others were enjoying their all-inclusive drinks or getting a relaxing massage they weren't thinking "Gee, if only I could trade this delightful fruity beverage for the chance to give birth. That lucky Joslyn with her elephantitus of the feet. I guess I will just have to get another cocktail to drown my sorrows."

Anyway...

I am now almost 26 weeks along and close to my third and final trimester. Soon enough my crazy little dance machine will be gracing us with his presence. Am I even close to prepared? No.

According to BabyCenter.com at 26 weeks Blueberry (or Soybean as he has been so nicknamed by his "Unc" - my brother-in-law Tom) now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel. The network of nerves in his ears are better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both mine and Jon's voices as we chat with each other. He's also inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. Also, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take about two to three days. (I'm not going to lie- that's kind of gross). Next week I head to the doctor for my glucose test, sign a bunch of consent forms and start meeting other doctor's in the practice. Then for the next couple of months I will be going to the doctor every two weeks until my last month when I will be there every week.

A few photos:

Preggo bridesmaid

Jon and his catch

Bride and Groom before their first dance

Me and Jon (soon to be Mom and Dad)

The family at dinner

There's a song in my head and I must sing it...

You know how you can be just sitting, quietly doing whatever it is that you do, and suddenly out of nowhere a song pops into your head? It happens to all of us. Earlier today while I was at work, going about my business, the song "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas popped into my head. Then I started to create my own version. And it goes a little something like this:

My bump. My bump. My lovely baby bump.

Check it out.

I drive other mothers crazy
Discussing baby daily
They treat me really nicely,
And give me lots of advice-e.
Dwell, Coe and Medela,
Bugaboos and the yell-a
Clothing I be buying him
Just to see my baby grin.
All the classes and the daycare
Will put me on welfare.
Strollers, bottles, diaper bags
Turn around my booty sags.
But I keep on eatin’
And I keep on peein’
Sleepless nights don’t bother me
As long as I have a healthy baby.

My bump. My bump. My growing baby bump. You love my baby bump.

Yes, I know. I am awesome. This is what I think about in my downtime. Watch out Black Eyed Peas!

In other news, Baby Boy Blueberry is moving around like crazy. According to everything I have read he now weighs more than a pound and is about the size of a small doll. This weekend he will be taking his first trip overseas as we venture down to the Dominican Republic to celebrate my brother's wedding. A few weeks after we return I will visit the doctor again and do my glucose test to make sure that I have not developed gestational diabetes and then I start going every two weeks as I will be in my third trimester. I still feel great and my lovely baby bump keeps on growing. TTFN!

23 Weeks (posing in my new kitchen)

Some images from outside of the womb

Here are some recent pictures - not taken from the inside of my uterus - of the baby's new house (all so he wouldn't have to sleep in a drawer) and my burgeoning belly, made possible by our little boy Blue.

Jon and I in front of the house.

Me resting while Jon is loading up everything for our big move.

Jon giving the baby a kiss.

B is for...

Boy.

And if you haven't heard by now - that is what Blueberry is. A boy! We found out Friday afternoon and are thrilled. At the end of May we will have son. I still can't believe it. My friend Angela, who has two beautiful children, said that finding out the sex of the baby is like finding out you are pregnant all over again and she was right. I think we were just as excited as we were when we find out I was pregnant.

It was amazing to see how big he has gotten (they think he weighs about 12 ounces right now). Last time we saw him he was so tiny and not even really formed yet. Now he looks like baby (albeit a creepy, skeletal one at the moment) and has kidneys, a heart with four, perfectly working chambers, a brain that is getting the right amount of blood flow, a spine, bones, a mouth that we saw opening and closing a lot (he was trying to say "hi"), fingers and toes, a nose, eyes - everything! And he is healthy and I like to think, very happy. I know we are happy to have him.

I know that I had told people I would never do this, but I guess as a proud mom I have to. Below are some pictures from the ultrasound. They are tough to make out, so they are labeled. If you didn't really have any desire to see pictures from my uterus, I apologize. Don't look (you know you want to though). We'll start with the money shot...

There's a rumbly in my tumbly

Now, you may think I am a big, fat (and getting fatter) liar when I say this, but as we were counting down on New Year's Eve I felt the baby move. I don't know if it was the crazy amount of sparkling cider I was consuming (because nothing says New Years like a nice bottle of sparkling cider that you split with a bunch of 10-year-olds) or a burst of energy from the insane amount of sugar that I have been ingesting, but whatever it was Blueberry finally decided to make his/her presence known. It was like "10...9...8...what the heck was that? 5...4....3...2...oh -there it is again. Happy New Year!"

I know it was the baby because my heart did a flip-flop and now I feel those same movements all the time (especially at night which does not bode well for my sleeping schedule if he/she keeps it up after birth). Everyone told me that when you feel it, you just know. And they were right. It was an amazing feeling - still is. I can't wait until Jon is able to feel the kicks from the outside. Not to get sappy on you (it's the hormones people), but as much of a pain as it is to be a woman sometimes, we do get the better end of the deal. I wouldn't trade the ability to feel what I am feeling right now for all the stand-up-peeing-wherever-I-like-no-more-tampon -buying-or-cramps in the world.

Stay tuned. We have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and should be able to find out Blueberry's gender (as long as he or she isn't being difficult). Can't wait!