Is there such a thing as Baby Rehab?

I think I have an addiction. I may need to get help.

I am addicted to baby books.

I can't stop reading about what is going on inside my body, what stage Blueberry is at developmentally and even skipping ahead to where he/she will be in the next few weeks. A friend of mine let me borrow one of her baby books this weekend, so now I am cross referencing with my other 1200 books to see if there is any difference in what the "What to Expect" people say vs. what Mayo says.

I mean it. I can't stop.

And here is the crazy thing. The more that I learn, or re-read, the more I am weirded out by what is going on in there. Yes, I am aware that it is a miracle and that there is a little life being created as I type. I took sex ed - I knew what I was getting into. It is just so fascinatingly bizarre. I mean, one week Blueberry has eyes on the side of its head and no real fingers or toes and now he/she can move its arms, legs, fingers and toes. I think pretty soon Blueberry's kidneys will be developed enough that he/she will be able to pee - um, IN ME. Gross. Weird. Amazing.

Don't get me wrong, pregnancy is actually pretty great (so far). I do feel special that I get to create and carry a life. It is fun knowing that one day I am building a heart and lungs and the next I am getting peed in. If only I had a little camera so that I could see everything all the time. I wonder if you can buy one of those somewhere. I will have to check the books...

A few laughs

My friend, Rachel, recently passed this along. Thought that I would share with my adoring readers.

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Cravings

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you felt that you were going to explode if you didn't get it? Like you are the Incredible Hulk and the thing that you want - that you crave - is turning you into that giant green monster? Well, if you haven't then count your blessings because I swear certain foods are turning me into the Hulk.

I've had food cravings in the past but more along the lines of, "gee, I sure could go for Mexican food right now," or "mmm...Sour Patch Kids would be great." Now I am like "if somebody doesn't get me a *&!#%@! hot chocolate right now I will have to go postal on them." Seriously.

I am not sure how soon cravings generally kick in on pregnant women (though I am sure that one of my library of baby books could tell me), but for me they are in, they are indecisive and they are going strong. Luckily I haven't gained much weight so far, though I think that my weekend of craving indulgence just added some. Here are just a few of the things that I really, really wanted this weekend:

• Hot chocolate
• Cupcakes
• Fruit tart
• Chicken salad sandwich
• Candy
• Hot chocolate
• Cheetos (they're the cheese that goes crunch)
• Apples (I did want some healthy stuff too)

My cravings are inconsistent (with the exception of clam chowder which I always seem to want) and generally for things that are not that good for me. Don't judge me. To quote my friend Nicole who said this of her first pregnancy "I developed a brain today. What did you do?"

All I want to do is sleep

As you mother's know (or men who have children and have heard about these things endlessly), the first trimester of pregnancy is filled with all sorts of fun things. For some it is morning sickness, for others heartburn and for most, extreme tiredness. I know I mentioned it before, but exhaustion has been my main "symptom." Because of this, I can no longer stay up past 10 pm. In fact, last night I fell asleep at 8:30 pm. I think the last time I did that was...well, never. The problem is that once I am asleep I will have to wake up to use the bathroom about 100 times (sorry if that is TMI) during the night and then have trouble falling asleep again.

So, last night - lights out at 8:30 pm. I then woke up at 2 am and laid in the dark until about 4 am. Here is what I was thinking about:

2 am: Man, it's 2 am. How long have I been sleeping? 4 and a half, no 5 and a half hours. Good thing I majored in English since I can't count. Speaking of counting, if we spend X amount on daycare that means, it will cost us X amount per year. WAIT! That is XXX amount per year. Maybe I should have taken more math classes. Hope this kid doesn't expect to eat or have clothing. It can probably share toys with Fozzie (our dog). I mean both babies and dogs drool a lot. It could work. Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

2:05 am: Crap, why am I still awake?

3:00 am: Seriously? I just want to go back to sleep. I think I will go to the bathroom again.

3:05 am: I wonder what Blueberry will look like. I think that if I ever won an Academy Award I would thank my family of course, and all of the people who helped me. And maybe Matt Damon and Ben Affleck since they were the ones who inspired me to write screenplays (side note: just so you know - that is what I will win an Academy Award for "Best Original Screenplay").

3:06 am to 4:00 am: As the night/morning wears on I proceed to revise my Academy Award speech a few times. Listen to Jon breathe (loudly and through his nose). Shift positions a million times. Put a pillow over my head. Get scared that I will suffocate and remove the pillow. Think about Blueberry more. Go to the bathroom a few more times. Debate whether I should throw in the towel regarding sleeping altogether. Look at the clock 300 more times (who knew that it would take so long to change from 3:41 am to 3:42 am) and then finally, finally drift off to sleep.

But poor Jon, once I fall asleep he is awoken by my very loud, nasal breathing. I am thinking Fozzie is the only one who actually got a decent night's sleep. At least my speech is planned for the Academy Awards and I have had an opportunity to work on my addition, subtraction and multiplication.

-

Already...

So I am supposed to have already begun looking into daycare centers. Actually, according to reliable sources (AKA other parents in the area), this process really should have started pre-conception. I guess when Jon and I were talking about having a baby, we should have also been looking into daycare centers. I can imagine filling out an application:

Parent's Names: Jon and Joslyn Fagan
Child's Name: Umm...Baby?
Sex: Well, how else would the baby get here? (oh, you mean the sex of the baby...either a boy or a girl)
Child's Date of Birth: The Future
Does the child have any special needs? Yes, it needs to be conceived.

So, now I am in a mad rush to find a daycare center. My reliable sources have already made some recommendations, but if anyone in the Atlanta area has any additional recommendations, please do send them my way...NOW!

The time has finally come...

to announce to everybody that Jon and I are expecting a baby!

I am currently about 12 weeks (three months for people who do not count their time in weeks) along and the baby is due around May 27. I must admit that so far this pregnancy has been great. My test results have all come back normal and to quote Dr. Suarez (by OB/GYN) "it's nice to be medically uninteresting." Other than being extremely tired and some lovely acid reflux...oh, and many mood swings...I have felt great. Since I have been pregnant I have read a TON of books on pregnancy and have become a wealth of knowledge on where our little fetus is size-wise and developmentally. Right now, for instance, the baby has developed most of his/her (yes, we will be finding out the sex of the baby when we can) bodily structures and is about the size of a large plum. My favorite was when the baby was the size of a blueberry (I think it was when I was about 7 weeks), which is what we call it and what my family has taken to calling it.

So far, watching Blueberry develop has been pretty cool. We had our first ultrasound when I was a little over seven weeks and got to see the baby's heartbeat. It was amazing - like a very fast flickering of light. And even though he will probably be embarrassed that I told you this, Jon got a bit teary when he saw that. I think it made everything a bit more real. I also just had my 12 week check up and HEARD the heartbeat. This time I got teary. I tried to call Jon so that he could hear it, but my stupid phone kept interfering (iphones have their flaws).

So, as you can imagine, Jon and I are so excited about the fact that we will be parents in 6 months, but we are freaked out a bit too. We are well aware that our lives will never be the same again and while that it is exciting (it's a whole new adventure), it was kind of nice being able to go out, have a lot of cocktails, come home at the wee hours of morning and lay in bed the entire next day doing nothing. I know that there are many, many, many more things that will change when the Blueberry arrives but please don't tell me...not just yet. I am still getting my hands around the fact that there is a person growing inside of me. So, enough rambling for now. For those of you that are interested, I will update this periodically so you can hear all about my changing body, my changing moods (and boy do those change frequently) and whatever else I feel like talking about.

Oh, one final thought. One of my co-worker's dogs is having puppies any day now (http://sweetbullies.com). His dog will have been pregnant for 64 days. What the heck? 64 days!